Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Link and Zelda Don't Stand a Chance

Yes, I absolutely waste time in a day. It’s not very mature of me, but I like to play video games, and my favorite is the Legend of Zelda series.

The genius behind the Legend of Zelda series is that the protagonist, Link, has no dialogue, no personality, and virtually no background. He is my puppet, and I can imagine him thinking whatever I want him to think, say whatever I think he should say, and dream up whatever kind of tragic back story appeals to my sick, sadistic mind. Nintendo designed him so that Link can be anyone and anyone can be Link. Keep that in mind as you read my interpretation of the Legend of Zelda series.
Link and Zelda cannot have a romantic relationship. It would be completely awkward, contrived, and utterly doomed. I have three major reasons why.

Reason 1: Zelda is out of Link’s league

Link is depicted as a commoner in every single version of the game I’ve seen. Zelda is usually a princess, sometimes even the reigning monarch. A monarch, in order to maintain the prestige and respect of her kingdom, will not marry a commoner. No matter how good, courageous, virtuous, or totally awesome and good looking he may be, it would be far beneath her.

lifted from calmdown.com
Several times she has been a pirate, but with a recognized noble ancestry and a royal inheritance or destiny. Despite her high lineage, she is of questionable moral character, and demonstrates a cringe worthy superiority complex. I don’t think Link and Zelda would get along if she remained a pirate. They would constantly be arguing whether the ends justify the means.

The one and only time, as far as my experience serves me, that Link stood a chance of having a romantic relationship with Zelda was in Skyward Sword; but even then Zelda was still out of his reach. She was an upper classman, having already passed the knighthood exam. She was also the daughter of the headmaster of the academy, and if their manner of dress is any indication, Zelda and her father were considerably wealthy. Zelda wears a bright pink dress, a jeweled broach, and a gold belt (her fashion consultant has an eye for opulence and bright colors); her father dresses in gold trimmed robes. Link’s clothing is faded and worn looking (it’s like he dresses himself or something). He definitely seems of a lower caste. There were some indications that Zelda wanted a relationship with Link. She was flirtatious and unusually concerned whether he would pass the knighthood exam or not. It is possible that Zelda’s father would approve of them as a couple if Link moved up in the world, but later it is revealed that Zelda is a reincarnation of the goddess Hylia and she was manipulating Link the whole time (albeit unconsciously, so maybe I can cut her some slack).

Really, Link and Zelda just don’t belong together. They don’t have enough in common for it to work out in the long term and Link would probably not be able to support Zelda’s lifestyle.

2. A relationship with Zelda is dangerous and one sided

Zelda is chronically in trouble, and needs constant rescuing. At first that might serve as an attractant. A little adrenaline makes a good aphrodisiac. But after a while, you would think that Link would get tired of the constant danger and horror he faces on Zelda’s behalf.
lifted from wattpad

In Ocarina of Time, Zelda not only puts Link in danger as a child, but also, inadvertently, she endangers the whole kingdom. She virtually handed Gannondorf the Triforce while (ironically) trying to stop him from getting it, ruined Link’s childhood (in fact, may have driven him to an early death according to some theorists), and barely managed to help Link banish Gannon after Hyrule was almost completely destroyed.

In Wind Waker, she’s a little bit more pro-active and helpful; but still not particularly concerned about Link’s safety and well being.

In Twilight Princess she loses the kingdom (again) and only pays lip service to her concern for Link (maybe that was not really her fault, as she was being held prisoner and couldn’t do much).

In Skyward Sword, she finally appears truly concerned (oh yeah, her inner goddess is manipulating Link) and actively seeks for the best for Link, but she still gets in trouble. Link spends the first act of the game chasing her all over the world, the second act proving his worth, and in the third act, fails, and gets to watch Zelda basically murdered. Then he needs to confront Demise (who in spite of Link’s best efforts to prevent his return, manages to be resurrected) and redeem Zelda’s spirit so she may be revived.

In most cases, Zelda could give significant assistance: guards, fellow pirates, or even the stupid light arrows she doesn't give him until the last minute possible. She could at the very least pay him for his expenses, travel, and hazardous work environment; but she doesn’t.

Zelda could recognize Link’s accomplishments and give him knighthood, invite him to dinner, or at least say, “Thank you”, but she’s a horrendous ingrate. In fact, aside from beauty and a typically gentle manner, she has virtually no redeemable qualities. She is careless of Link’s trouble, manipulative, na├»ve, unable to muster significant military might, has no sense of strategy, and is generally unworthy of the Triforce of Wisdom.

If Link and Zelda are destined to be lovers, then Link obviously has mental illness ingrained in his soul.

But what if Link is not crazy? What if he is sincere in his devotion to Zelda? Could it possibly be something other than romance? Most definitely yes; which leads to the final point why Link and Zelda can never be together.

3. Incest!

My six year old son and my four year old daughter pointed this out to me. Link and Zelda are brother and sister, or to be precise, half siblings.

Don’t believe me?

Think about it. In no iteration of the game is Link’s father mentioned. Once, a mother was mentioned. He has lived with an uncle and a grandmother in turn. It’s not much of a stretch of imagination to think that Zelda and Link have different mothers, but I really believe they share the same father in every game. I can’t prove it, but consider the resemblance between the two.


In the 3D versions, their faces are almost the same. Zelda’s face is a little softer, but they both have narrow chins, wide foreheads, blond hair, and blue, diamond shaped eyes with thick upper lashes. Link’s nose is a little longer, his mouth wider, and his eye brows thicker (he’s a guy, after-all).

In the 2D or more cartoony versions of the game, they round faces, black eyes, and blond hair. Zelda/Tetra is darker toned most of the time, and Link has harder facial lines and thicker eyebrows, but again they almost look the same. Put Link’s hat on Zelda, and Zelda’s dress on Link and it may take a minute or two to notice the difference.

In all the Legend of Zelda games since The Ocarina of Time, every other character (except Link’s little sister in WindWaker, who also bears a striking resemblance to Zelda) looks very distinct from the two leading characters. I don’t think that’s a mistake.

While it is possible that Link are Zelda are cousins, or aunt or uncle to each other, Link wouldn't be in such a low caste, and it wouldn’t be necessary to hide Link’s parentage.

This is what I think about Link's parentage:

As the case may be, Link’s father is the king, a pirate, or the some high ranking member of society. For my purposes I’ll call him the King. The King had a queen or wife for whom he had respect, even affection; but he also had a lover. Princess Zelda was born first, and within two years, Link was born. The lover may have told the king, but in order to keep appearances, the King never acknowledged Link publically, and may never have told Zelda. Link’s family or guardians let him know of his unconventional heritage, which is why he keeps Zelda at arm’s distance, yet follows her orders and rescues her with complete and unfailing devotion.

Link truly loves his older half sister, and cannot refuse her.
lifted from deviant art

These are just my, crazy, twisted ideas. Perhaps you have ideas, less scandalous and more satisfying. Maybe I’ve ruined your childhood... Your welcome.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Gun Control: Saving Us From Ourselves

I'm trying to set aside my emotions on the matter. I'm trying to understand, in an unbiased way, why those that follow liberal politics want to control guns. What is the logic in reducing the number and type of guns available to law abiding citizens?

I took my information from the comment section under Politico's Should Military Gun Rules Be Eased. There was plenty of rudeness and high emotions on both sides of the argument, but once I managed to sort through things, the running theme in favor of gun control is to reduce the availability of guns for criminals, the insane, and the suicidal by making them unavailable for purchase by anyone, including the law abiding and emotionally stable.

Said LiberalXaltotun:
The top 10 states for per-capita firearms deaths are also the top 10 states for firearm ownership.
The bottom 10 states for per capita firearms deaths are also the bottom 10 states for firearm ownership.
Sure, let's make sure more people have guns. Brilliant

Gumpchun:
copyright Florida Today, by Jeff Parker
The bad TV-show-generated fallacy that ubiquitous guns means less violence is laughable, statistically bogus and utterly false.
More guns equals more dead soldiers. More guns on our streets means more dead Americans.
Even a child knows that. Having even grandmas packing heat so that every dispute, misunderstanding, grievance or show-and-tell is between people armed to the teeth with the ability to kill again and again is no prescription for safety.
Never was, never will be.

Rick W4:
I doubt there are many current or retired (like me) service members who want folks walking around bases/posts with loaded weapons. Weapons are for using against the enemy, in combat, not at home. I served on active duty for 25 years and only touched firearms for training or deployment purposes. There is no protection against a deranged person who is willing to sacrifice his life to commit a criminal act. The notion of more guns equals more protection is absurd. More guns only increases the opportunity for tragedy.

Of course these were just opinions. None of them had any attached substantiating links.

The problem I see with the argument of taking away the weapon is it doesn't resolve the reason why one person would want to kill himself or another.

No one commits murder or suicide just because he has a gun. It's a problem of the human heart (or the mind as is often the case), and taking away one weapon would only lead humanity to seek other weapons. Remember, guns are a relatively recent innovation in weapons technology. For most of recorded human history we've killed each other and ourselves with knives, swords, arrows, spears, rocks, poisons, farm and fishing equipment, even our bare hands.

Passion is inherent in human nature. No doctor has fully succeeded in drugging away our darker feelings, and no politician has yet drafted a law against death that we've been willing to follow. Until such time, we take a risk with every moment that it may be our last. Accept it.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A Criminal Mastermind and a Bumper Sticker

An evil genius wakes up one morning and says to himself, "Hmm. I wonder what I'm going to do today. I think I'll let fate decide".

He drives to the grocery store and sees this on a car:
He also sees a bumper sticker proclaiming an honor student at Local Middle School, and a parking pass for Standard Heights HOA.

"Huzzah!", he says to himself, "I know exactly what I'll do today. I'll kidnap a football player, terrorize a woman and a baby, rob their house, and kick their little dog! Mwah ha ha ha ha! No one will be able to stop me because soldiers are never home! Bwah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Snort! Mwah ha ha! Bwah ha ha ha! Cough cough. He he!"

Of course because Billy was at football practice and surrounded by witnesses, matters were too difficult to manage, so our criminal mastermind decided that kidnapping a football player might not be ideal today. After that he drove to the Standard Heights neighborhood and realized he didn't actually have an address; but after driving around a while, he found the car with the bumper stickers. The evil genius broke into the house and was promptly barked at then bit by a very large dog, then a very large man with a gun came around a corner...

You decide out how it ends.

This story was inspired by the geniuses behind this unsubstantiated, fear inducing visual currently circulating on Facebook:
There is nothing of use to a criminal on these kind of bumper stickers, save that the dad is trained in the use of firearms.

Does it matter to a would be kidnapper where a random child goes to school or what sport he plays? No. Kidnapping is almost never a random occurrence, in spite of what popular media leads us to believe. Usually kidnap is carried out by close family members, in which case, they don't need to consult bumper stickers because they already know the pertinent information. Even is the very rare case of kidnap by stranger, it's not a crime where research determines the victim.

Do cute stick figures matter to a crook bent on breaking and entering? No. It's a crime of opportunity, not affected by how you personalize the family minivan.

Rape, identity theft, car theft, stalking, harassment, assault, murder, etc; none of these crimes are attributable to bumper stickers. No one with intent to do evil cares about your stick figures or honor students. They just do what they do.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Star Wars: The Destruction of Innocence

lifted from here
I'm looking forward to evenings this week. My inner trickster has been scheming this week with pleasure for years.

We have allowed our son to watch the cartoon series of Star Wars: The Clone Wars since he was three years old and he idolizes Anakin Skywalker.

We have also allowed him to see A New Hope and he knows of Darth Vader and that he is a really bad guy.

He doesn't know of the relationship between Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader (chuckling evilly to myself).

Under supervision, we are letting Colin see Star Wars, episodes one through six this week. This is going to be fun.

Bwah ha ha ha ha!!!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Not Having Such a Great Day Today

Two sick boys, dreary weather, and a messy house.

It wouldn't be so bad if Gideon would turn down the drama machine and let me clean. He's not in pain, he just doesn't feel so great, and since Mom is the source of all goodness and comfort she must not be lost or misplaced. Gideon squawks whenever I turn my back toward him, and raises the alarm whenever I leave the room. I wish he would just take a nap and wake up two hours closer to a calm stomach.

Colin is a bit of a ray of sunshine. In fact, he's way too happy. I want him to calm down already and rest so as to ensure the bug passes. However, five year old boys do not calm down on command; and for me to try and make him calm down will only serve to make him more excited. At least he knows how to do his business in the toilet and clean up the mess when he misses. I like that. It makes my life just a little easier.

lifted from this website
The weather matches my mood quite closely today. Grey, raining, snow still clinging thickly to the ground... but it is raining and not snowing. I wish for sun because I'm tired of feeling depressed all the time. I'll just have to take what I can get. It's not like I can go out today anyway.

The house is such a mess and I'm losing sleep over it. Really, that is the dumbest most treatable reason to lose sleep that I know of. Why? Why do I not just clean? Oh yeah. Children that want to make the mess, but don't seem to know how to clean it up, and don't especially like taking orders.

Still, I am blessed. Gideon is easy to console and get to stop crying, he's even showing signs of getting ready to finally take a nap. Again, Colin is happy and also starting to calm down now that he thinks I'm ignoring him. Karyn is healthy and trying to make Gideon feel better (maybe I should get her a doll to dress), and the weather is not so cold today.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

How to Ruin Your Professional Life Before it Even Begun: A Friendly Guide

So many bad ideas, so little time...
So, you want to ruin your professional life before you've even landed you first real job. Congradulations! You are one of a growing group of enterprising young people that want to have no gainful employment! Guess what. Bringing your reputation to destruction and catastrophe is as easy as the click of a button. You to can ruin your prospects like a "pro".

Step one:
Post compromising pictures of yourself on Facebook including, but not limited to pictures of yourself naked, high, drunk, involved in illegal activities, or tormenting the weak or helpless. Yes, you will definitely make an employer think twice about hiring you if he sees pictures of you actively engaged in wrongdoing.

Step two:
Post compromising pictures of other people on your Facebook page, again including, but not limited to, pictures of other people naked, high, drunk, involved in illegal activities, or tormenting the weak or helpless. You definitely want any prospective boss to think that everyone you surround yourself with is just as reprobate as you.

Step three:
Frequently write and post updates that showcase poor grammar and spelling. Few things shut down the employment search process as quickly as a flagrant display of typographical ignorance.

Step four:
Profanity, sarcastic references to violence, sincere references to violence, and sexually explicit posts will make you stink to high heaven. By all means, generously sprinkle your public conversations on Facebook and Twitter with lewd references to your school teachers, and previous romantic partners.

Step five:
This may require some imagination. If you have nothing unkind to say about anyone... LIE! Make up stuff to embarrass everyone dumb enough to be alone in the room with you or with ten feet of your person. It will work miracles on any human resource department that you never want to deal with if you are known to commit slander.

Step six (closely related to step five):
Get your teachers fired from their jobs, especially the most innocent and high quality ones. Your infamy should strike terror into the heart of any honest business owner.

There you have it. Six easy things to do to ruin your career prospects before you've even left high school! This list is by means comprehensive. The author is sure you can come up with many original ideas for how to turn off potential employers.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

A Brief Open Letter to Microsoft

lifted from:another blog
No! Dang it! Not all of your customers replace their computer every year! Every time you've sent an update in the last year, it has paralyzed my computer. I've tried changing the settings so that any updates require my approval before installation, but you keep going around my user permission settings! What's it going to take to secure my computer from you? Do I need to surgically remove the modem? (Ah, the good ol' days when a modem could simply be disconnected or shut off. Those were good times!)

Sincerely, A customer that wishes to be left alone until I personally think it is time for an update.