Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A Criminal Mastermind and a Bumper Sticker

An evil genius wakes up one morning and says to himself, "Hmm. I wonder what I'm going to do today. I think I'll let fate decide".

He drives to the grocery store and sees this on a car:
He also sees a bumper sticker proclaiming an honor student at Local Middle School, and a parking pass for Standard Heights HOA.

"Huzzah!", he says to himself, "I know exactly what I'll do today. I'll kidnap a football player, terrorize a woman and a baby, rob their house, and kick their little dog! Mwah ha ha ha ha! No one will be able to stop me because soldiers are never home! Bwah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Snort! Mwah ha ha! Bwah ha ha ha! Cough cough. He he!"

Of course because Billy was at football practice and surrounded by witnesses, matters were too difficult to manage, so our criminal mastermind decided that kidnapping a football player might not be ideal today. After that he drove to the Standard Heights neighborhood and realized he didn't actually have an address; but after driving around a while, he found the car with the bumper stickers. The evil genius broke into the house and was promptly barked at then bit by a very large dog, then a very large man with a gun came around a corner...

You decide out how it ends.

This story was inspired by the geniuses behind this unsubstantiated, fear inducing visual currently circulating on Facebook:
There is nothing of use to a criminal on these kind of bumper stickers, save that the dad is trained in the use of firearms.

Does it matter to a would be kidnapper where a random child goes to school or what sport he plays? No. Kidnapping is almost never a random occurrence, in spite of what popular media leads us to believe. Usually kidnap is carried out by close family members, in which case, they don't need to consult bumper stickers because they already know the pertinent information. Even is the very rare case of kidnap by stranger, it's not a crime where research determines the victim.

Do cute stick figures matter to a crook bent on breaking and entering? No. It's a crime of opportunity, not affected by how you personalize the family minivan.

Rape, identity theft, car theft, stalking, harassment, assault, murder, etc; none of these crimes are attributable to bumper stickers. No one with intent to do evil cares about your stick figures or honor students. They just do what they do.

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