Satire: A Proposal To Update The White House Electrical Wiring and Other Federal Facilities

Whereas there was smoke in the White House on May 11, 2013 emanating from a closet in the West Wing; whereas the cause of the smoke is unknown, all electrical wiring, fire suppression systems, and psychic advisors must be replaced, effective immediately in all federally own facilities including  but not limited to the White House, all congressional and judicial facilities, military bases, public schools, private homes, and holes occupied by the homeless.

Said wiring must be composed of 24K gold mined from sustainable sources by methods that meet or exceed all OSHA and EPA standards. Membership in the AFL/CIO Union shall be required of all employees of said mining project  No legal documentation, photo ID's, drug tests, vetting, background checks, English language or competency tests may be required or administered for employment in said mining project.

The 24K replacement wiring must be insulated in heat resistant Bengal tiger skin. Whereas Bengal tigers are a rare and endangered species, and whereas Bengal tigers are carnivorous and highly frightening and dangerous natural hunters, it is proposed that a new breed of Bengal Tiger, to be named The Obama Tiger, be created, bred and farmed, in the neighboring nation of Detroit, located on the border of the U.S. state of Michigan, and the international border of the Canadian Province of Ontario. Said Obama Tigers shall be bred to be docile, herbivorous, non-flammable, thin skinned, and democratic in nature. Said nation of Detroit shall be emptied of all current occupants of conservative political leanings and "humanly" relocate to a colony on Earth's orbital moon. Such humane tactics may include, as necessary, weapons confiscation, re-education, electric shock therapy, and repetitious viewings of all the works of Michael Moore. Whereas the conservative inhabitants of the nation of Detroit are few in number, the budget of said colonization project shall be minimal, but unspecified. Whereas certain animal rights groups may object to the genetic alteration, breeding, and farming of Bengal/Obama Tigers, an unspecified budget to placate all officials of said animal rights organizations shall be established.

The proposed budget for all projects above is slated at approximately U.S. $11,235,813,213 and no completion date has determined.

"Step two: Having firmly grasped your tiger tail, address him in a calm, clear and assertive voice..."
Lifted from: Economic Crisis Cartoon

I'm Coming Out Of The Closet

It's so stressful to keep such a large part of myself a secret. I feel so guilty and torn for not telling my loved ones. I'm worried how I may have mislead them. So today I am being courageous and announcing it to the world that... (brace yourselves) I am heterosexual. Yes. I am a straight female; and what's more... a monogamous straight female.

I have at times been seen holding hands and being affectionate with a man, who is my male husband, who doesn't mind that people know he is straight and monogamous as well. I'm sure not everyone who reads this will be surprised; especially since we have had three biological children of our own (which of course that fact has been very difficult to hide).

I know it's not popular, or cool to be straight right now, and marriage obviously can be very risky, but I must come out of the closet on this issue.  I also know I'll be attacked by heterophobes who believe I am living an unnatural or unhealthy lifestyle; and I'll be accused of destroying society by bringing in children and raising them to be straight or celibate, and teaching them to get along with people of the opposite sex, to drive cars that run on fossil fuels, and to question or oppose socialist policies. However, I choose to accept the risks because I am so courageous.

Now that I've said that, and posted it on my blog, I expect to be called by talk show hosts and VIP's to congratulate me for my courage. My picture posted on the Wheaties box would be nice too, even though I am not a second rate football quasi-celebrity.